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A portion of Kim's winning essay:
My parents came home angry with me today. My sister told them my secret which obviously didn't go over too well. This isn't the first time she's done this. It's been about two years now since the first time she told. It's been many more years since the secret came to be mine. My secret: I am addicted to marijuana.
Drugs have been in my family. I never knew. The shock came one day when I learned that my cousin of only seventeen years had passed away. To this day, seven years later, I still hear new details of what drugs he chose to do and how his accidental overdose may not have been an accident.
Yes, drugs have been there. They will always be there. When I'm feeling stressed I know exactly what to do to help myself. How many people can say that? My stress reliever hasn't always been marijuana. I used to drink vodka and smoke cigarettes, but times have changed. I found the bandwagon and caught a ride that would last many years.
My very first time I tried marijuana was on April 20, which is better known as 420, in my sophomore year of high school. I happened to be drunk off of Vodka when I volunteered my car to use as the illegal bandwagon. I remember trying to figure out exactly where to put my thumb and the sequence of lighting the bowl, releasing my thumb and inhaling. Unfortunately I never caught on the first time and ended up inhaling second hand smoke. After my years of practice I can look back on that night and realize that I was in fact high, but back then I didn't have a clue. I was just trying to keep the Vodka down. I tried smoking again that next morning but still wasn't that good at it. Apparently my lack of expertise caused me to stray away from drugs until one day a year later when I tried them again.
My second occasion of smoking occurred during a camping trip with some friends. I remember that I didn't even want to go, but somehow I got dragged along anyway. After a quick set up of the tent my friends brought out a pipe and some weed. I looked at that pipe and weed reminiscing about that fateful night a year earlier. I decided that this time I would smoke and actually get high. Unfortunately, I still hadn't mastered the steps involved in smoking and ended up getting drunk again.
It wasn't more than two weeks later that my father came home from work threatening me with a drug test. He thought that I was smoking weed and hoped that I would confess to smoking before he would be forced to give me a drug test he acquired from his job as a parole and probation officer. I admitted to having smoked and said that I wouldn't do it again, but little did I know that my curiosity was far from over. It wasn't until yet another year later that I finally learned how to smoke.
I met Tyler at the beginning of my senior year of high school. After an early graduation in January my parents finally let me move out. Tyler and I had lived together for over six months when the question finally arose, "Do you want to try weed?" He had no experience with the drug and refused for quite awhile. His reasoning was that it was dangerous and illegal. Unfortunately, I can't remember what it was that got him going, but we started smoking. Not only did I figure out how to actually smoke, but I taught him. He took to marijuana like a child takes to candy. Soon we were smoking nearly everyday for about a month or two.
The fun ended when my sister and her husband moved into the apartment upstairs. It had only been maybe a couple of days after they moved in when they decided to come for a surprise visit. This visit just happened to be minutes after Tyler and I finished smoking. Her husband recognized the smell immediately since he smoked in his younger days. The surprise visit and long talk with my parents ended that period of smoking in my life.
I soon moved back home because of relationship problems, and I didn't pick up smoking again for another year. My smoking stopped after my sister caught me once again but this time at my parent's house, and she told my parents. My parents thought that I had never stopped, which is unfortunate because I had. They were mostly disappointed with me. I felt awful for having gone back to smoking weed. That feeling, in combination with the thought that they could kick me out, stopped my use for maybe a month. I continued to use daily but made sure to be more cautious. Tyler and I, back together, smoked daily in one of our cars. I hoped that my parents would never find out again.
The time finally came when I needed to stop. I was having a hard time remembering who I was. I knew that part of the problem was all the time that I spent smoking marijuana and not dealing with my life. I was looking for a life that didn't revolve around smoking marijuana and hiding out in my car for hours at a time because I couldn't go home. I didn't realize how isolated I had become as a result of my addiction.
The semester that I chose to quit smoking marijuana was hard for me. I have always been a straight A student, but at that time I was just trying to actually do my homework. I was never like that before. Part of me wished that I could just smoke myself into ignorance while the realistic part of me knew that smoking just pushed me farther into the hole that I was trying to get out of. Giving up smoking caused a lot of trouble for Tyler and me, because he never gave it up when I wanted to, so Tyler and I broke up for good.
I wrote something in my journal during the summer before the semester I chose to quit that, looking back, showed clear signs of psychological dependence on marijuana and a troublesome relationship with Tyler. So, I suppose that most of my problems stem from an unfulfilled addiction. In saying that, do I create problems to be smoked away? Even when I live my life in fear of arrest I get more satisfaction than I would otherwise. I can say that, had I had weed tonight, I wouldn't be sitting here right now analyzing my spurts of confused depression. Do I still have problems when I smoke? Do I cry when I smoke? Life seems easier with just a couple of hits. I think that stress has taken its toll. When life is less stressed will I still need an outlet? I imagine so, but I can't say for sure. Then again, when is life ever stress-free??
I am still on the path to recovery. Everyday I am on this path and will be for the rest of my life. Even when a person doesn't do drugs or drink to an excess, they are always still in recovery. Any day life could seem too much to bear, and a relief will never be far away. It comes down to how strong of a person you are to be able to resist the temptation of smothering yourself again.
I don't regret trying marijuana. I feel that it was screwing up my life, but I also feel that my use was inevitable considering my history of alcohol abuse and marijuana experimentation. I am learning from my experience daily. I have finally been able to enjoy life again without marijuana. Plus I have a great new boyfriend who has been where I was, and he is encouraging me to stay clean.
I am planning on going into a career dealing with both Psychology and Criminal Justice which would make my experiences with marijuana even more beneficial. I know that there are plenty more harmful drugs out there, but I don't plan on trying any of them. Unfortunately, there are still millions of children and adults who use them every year. I think that there are many careers that would benefit humanity and the world, but my goal is to pull people out of the gutter which is truly where the help is needed. It appears that the middle class keeps on rising while the lower class keeps on falling. If I, and others, could help that lower class then the world will start healing. I could do anything in the world, but I believe that helping people is where my desires lie, and I will not give up until those goals have been fulfilled.
There are so many drug addicts and alcoholics who just need someone to talk to who will understand them. I am that someone. I have been down a road that seemed to be forever going in the opposite direction, and I turned my life around. I know that I can help other people do the same if I could just reach them.
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